How Do You Find a Good Partner to Marry?
The Popular Advice: Make a List
If you ask most people how to choose a spouse, they’ll recommend making a list.
You might hear advice like:
Find someone godly
Someone physically attractive
Someone financially responsible
Someone funny
Someone who is a great communicator
Someone who shares your life goals
On the surface, this advice sounds wise. After all, clarity about what you want in a spouse can be helpful.
But there is a hidden problem with the “perfect list” approach.
A perfect list will never lead you to a perfect person.
Why?
Because the Bible teaches something very clear about human nature.
In Luke 18:19, Jesus says:
“Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone.” (Luke 18:19)
This means that every person you date—even the ones who check your boxes—will still be flawed.
So if perfection is the standard, the search for a spouse will never end.
The Question Many Couples Ask
In my work with Christian couples preparing for marriage, I often hear this question:
“How do I know if the person I’m dating is a good person to marry?”
Most people assume the answer is:
Find someone who checks all the boxes on your list.
But the list approach often leads people to overlook the most important factor in a healthy marriage.
Character.
Why the “Perfect List” Mentality Fails
Here’s the reality:
Everyone who qualifies for your list will still be a sinner.
A person might be:
Physically attractive but emotionally immature.
Disciplined with work but terrible at communication.
Kind and generous but defensive when confronted.
Fun to be around but unreliable when life gets hard.
Sometimes people begin to think:
“Maybe there’s someone better out there.”
This is where the “grass is greener” trap begins.
But the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
Sometimes the grass is just taller—hiding more weeds.
Every relationship will eventually expose weaknesses.
Because the real challenges in marriage are rarely just compatibility issues.
Most marriage struggles are actually character issues.
Pride.
Defensiveness.
Avoidance.
Immaturity.
Lack of responsibility.
These character traits determine whether a relationship grows stronger or slowly deteriorates.
A Better Way to Evaluate a Partner
Instead of focusing only on a checklist, consider a different question:
How does this person handle their flaws?
A helpful way to think about this is through a job hiring analogy.
Imagine you are hiring someone for an important role.
A candidate’s resume might look perfect on paper.
But what really matters is what happens when something goes wrong.
Do they blame everyone else?
Do they make excuses?
Or do they take responsibility, learn, and grow?
Marriage works the same way.
The most important quality in a spouse is not the absence of flaws.
It is the presence of humility and growth.
The Character Traits That Actually Matter
If you want to find a good partner to marry, look for these character markers.
1. Humility
A humble person is willing to admit when they are wrong.
They don’t constantly defend themselves or shift blame.
Scripture teaches this principle clearly:
“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6)
Humility allows a marriage to repair after conflict.
Pride prevents it.
2. Responsibility
Healthy relationships require people who take ownership of their actions.
Listen carefully for phrases like:
“I was wrong.”
“I’m sorry.”
“That’s on me.”
“I need to grow.”
These statements reveal maturity and emotional health.
3. A Desire to Grow
The best spouses are not people who think they’ve already arrived.
They are people who are committed to becoming better over time.
Growth-minded people seek feedback, pursue spiritual maturity, and work to improve themselves.
This is the heart of biblical discipleship.
The Simple Principle to Remember
When evaluating someone for marriage, remember this line:
Don’t look for someone who checks every box.
Look for someone who has the character to face their flaws.
Someone who can say:
“I was wrong.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I need to grow.”
“I need to do better.”
And then they actually take consistent steps to improve.
Because finding a good spouse is not about finding someone who never fails.
It’s about finding someone who takes responsibility when they do.
Preparing for Marriage Before Problems Come
One of the best things Christian couples can do is prepare for marriage before problems arise.
Healthy relationships don’t happen accidentally.
They are built through honest conversations about character, expectations, communication, conflict, and faith.
Learning how to navigate these conversations early can prevent years of frustration later.
Join Our Christian Premarital Workshop
The best thing Christian couples can do is learn to have these hard conversations before hard times come.
If you want help having these conversations, join our Christian premarital workshop.
We help couples identify character patterns, strengthen communication, and build a strong biblical foundation for marriage.
Join the workshop today. Virtual Options available.
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