10 Devastating Causes for Communication in Marriage Problems -
How to Fix Them
In This Article
Pride– causes the most lack of communication problems in a relationship
Lies– destroys the ability to build trust in communication
Selfishness– gets one to focus primarily on one’s own point of views
Silence– leads to false assumptions and unresolved problems
Neglect– tells your spouse that you don’t care
Disrespect– tells your spouse I don’t value you
Ignorance- not knowing how to solve communication problems is a problem
Lack of romance or sex– intimate expressions of love are important
Complacency– you got lazy
Lack of submission to God– something higher than ourselves needs to perfect us
Lack of communication in relationships, whether it’s a lack of communication in the workplace or lack of communication in marriage, extremely hinders the growth of your relationship.
Lack of communication in a workplace can lead to poor work performance or, worse, being separated from your place of employment.
Lack of communication in marriage leads to divorce. The ultimate type of separation.
In this article, I want to speak specifically about communication within the context of marriage.
There are many causes of communication problems in marriage.
This list mentions what I believe are ten of the most devastating causes.
I assume you’re here because you want to know how to fix the lack of communication in your relationship.
If that’s true, it would be wise to keep this list in mind and continually work on improving in these categories for your marriage.
Many problems in a marriage can be prepared for, with pre-marriage counseling.
“Well, duh, Felice!”
I had to ask because many spouses don’t look for long-term fixes; they look for ‘band-aids’ that get them past the current argument in the hopes” of having the next conversation be more peaceful.
Read that sentence over again.
Here’s a ‘lack of communication in marriage quote'(#1) for you to meditate on.
“Long-term solutions that lead to a new norm in marriage require that spouses change themselves for the better.”
The key to fixing the communication in your marriage is focusing on how you (not your spouse) contribute to the problematic areas on this list.
A healthy marriage requires both partners to become self-aware of the issues they contribute to, how those issues affect their partner, and how they can work together to find and implement long-term solutions.
What Causes Lack of Communication in Marriage
Sin is the root of all marriage communication problems.
In fact, sin is the root of all relationship problems.
God, the designer of all, designed marriage to be a union of two souls, come UNION cating a certain way with each other.
When the design (humans) fail to follow that design, they separate themselves from the designer’s (God’s) plan for our marriage.
Separation from God inevitably leads to separation in marriage.
No marriage is perfect, communication problems in a marriage are bound to happen.
What you should look out for is the consistency of these issues, and the bad habits many spouses develop by either not acknowledging or not fixing these issues.
Both of those situations happen often.
More than anything, I encourage you to deal with these sins by developing a relationship with Jesus.
When that happens, His Spirit then encourages you to deal with the sins causing problems in you, which many times, indirectly improves your marriage.
Being transformed by Him, then transforms your marriage.
Jesus working in you leads to your working on the problems that often lead to you having a lack of communication skills.
But, with this article, let’s talk practically, and specifically.
This article inspired me immensely, so, I decided to write my version of it.
Lack of Communication Problems and Solutions
Don’t be,” that” couple, that has the same lack of communication problems after 20 years of marriage. simply because they didn’t know there was a problem, didn’t acknowledge the problem, or lacked the communication skills to fix the problem.
“Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before stumbling.” Proverbs 16:18
Other than number one on this list, the list is in no order.
No communication in marriage can improve, where the following categories are consistently prevalent and are not actively, and consistently being worked on.
1.) Pride–
What causes the most instances of poor communication in marriage? PRIDE. PRIDE says:
“It’s not my fault!”
“I didn’t cause that.”
“You made me.”
“I’m not wrong.”
“I didn’t know.”
“You should have told me.”
“I don’t care.”
“You should have stopped.”
“You should have told me.”
“I’m not apologizing.”
“You owe me an apology.”
The central message of pride is this, “You are to blame, not me.”
Let’s think deeply about that message. We all agree that no one is perfect, right?
Imperfect Poem
“No one who walks this earth’s surface is perfect.
Perfectly Imperfect?
Those words are as absurd as saying, “Here’s a sinless
saint that curses. “Look, no one who walks this earth’s surface is perfect
That’s truth’s final verdict—thank God for His Holy
Comforter!
We need it in this cold world, the compass points toward the furnace.
Thank you! Abba, for Your perfect purpose!
The perfect person making the perfect purchase
Freeing us from sin’s grip, which is an enslaving service.”
No one is perfect.
Since that is true, imagine being in a relationship with someone whose heart and mind are so hardened, so stubborn, that they refuse to admit or acknowledge fault and take the blame.
Can a marriage survive without communication? No.
Can a marriage survive with communication, rooted in pride? No.
People are not oblivious to the extreme examples of pride and the problems that pride causes.
We are often aware of the devastating effects of pride.
However, what we often fail to see, are the many small occurrences of pride that cause huge marriage problems.
Having a happy marriage life, a marriage life rooted in joy is impossible without humility.
Want to solve your marriage problems quickly?
Practice humility.
Understand that in a relationship, you will be wrong.
Learn to admit your faults.
Understand that imperfection is embedded in our nature, and seek to get better at taking criticism.
2.) Lies–
What causes a lack of communication in marriage? Um, do you think lying plays a part?! We all lie.
Yet, we hate being lied to. Sure, we may appreciate the pain a lie appears to “shield” us from.
And we may even like the false sense of confidence as a “good” lie at the right time provides.
Despite that, lies cause more harm than good.
Many people in relationships seem to think differently.
Many people come up with justifications for lying.
“I didn’t want to hurt you,” or “I didn’t want you to leave me.”
Many rationalize and say, “Everyone lies.”
What’s interesting is, instead of working on preventing the lies from occurring, people seek to control the circumstances of the lies.
Let me respond to one justification. Yes, everyone lies. It doesn’t make it right, or ok, and who wants to be consistently lied to?
No one wants to be consistently lied to, especially about something they really want the answer to.
All lies are bad.
Lies shouldn’t happen.
Lies will happen.
The lie I want to focus on is the consistent one.
The consistency of lies leads to the consistency of problems because the solution often cannot be found if the information is false, to begin with.
No communication in marriage has a chance if communication is rooted in lies.
“Lies have far more consequences than the truth does.”
3.) Selfishness–
The greatest example of marriage we have is between Jesus and the church.
That model is meant to be a heavenly example, of an earthly union.
We can’t hope to copy that model with selfishness.
If you are the type of person to read books on communication in marriage and selflessness is not talked about, then put that book down.
Especially if you are a Christian.
Isn’t selflessness one of the biggest attributes of Christ?
The second greatest example of marriage is this:
“You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:31
We as humans make it about us, though, right?
We get into relationships because someone we care about meets our needs and wants.
If the supply of our desires runs dry, usually, so does our “love” for that person.
That is a selfish approach to marriage.
We all have selfish moments.
You need to keep self-checking yourself if your selfishness consistently doesn’t factor into the commitment you made to your marriage.
Regardless of whether all your wants or needs are not being met.
4.) Silence–
Ever notice that there is a healthy balance in a conversation?
You talk, and the other person listens.
You listen, and the other person talks.
What if you were talking, and talking, and talking and the other person said nothing?
Would that be a problem? I think so.
Let’s take a different approach.
Your spouse shares their feelings with you.
You say nothing.
If they are sharing their feelings about their favorite food or movie, and you stay silent, that shouldn’t be a problem.
But what if they share their feelings about something you have been doing poorly?
Do you have something they want you to work on?
In that context, not saying something sends many negative messages and makes your spouse feel bad.
Silence often conveys a variety of messages, one of which is that you don’t care.
And if one spouse perceives or feels that you don’t care (usually over time), then the lack of communication becomes the new, hurtful, norm.
Keep in mind, not all silence is bad.
We often need silence.
Silence has its place.
Lack of communication sometimes poses as silence, when, in actuality, one is just communicating more efficiently.
The communication ‘lack’ you should worry about is the unwillingness to communicate.
“Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.” Proverbs 17:28
Just learn to live with your spouse according to your knowledge.
Learn when it’s time to speak, and when it’s time to talk.
Learn the skills necessary to reduce these common marriage problems from becoming marriage-ending problems by reading this.
Communication Problems in Marriage
Have you ever realized that communication in marriage isn’t difficult because one doesn’t know what to say, or how to say it?
The problem in marriage communication is often finding out what the exact problem is, honestly and respectfully discussing it, and then merging the different emotional views on how to solve it.
Signs of poor communication in your marriage often result from problems on the list below.
5.) Neglect–
Are you working hard to build a business?
Are you actively pursuing a career?
Are kids getting most of your attention?
What about your loved ones, both near and far?
Not to mention that nowadays we have smartphones, social media, and… (insert your own example here).
Neglect is bound to happen.
What’s even worse than neglect?
When your partner is not truly hearing how you feel about being neglected by them.
It will happen, unfortunately, and when it does, the price you pay for that stinks.
We must remember that our spouse comes second only to Jesus.
What does it mean to prioritize your spouse?
Let’s keep it simple.
It means that their overall well-being, mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally, has a significant priority.
Not necessarily in the order of numbers.
It’s not like, “Okay, I know I have to pay the mortgage by 4 p.m. today or I’ll get a late fee, but my wife wants to talk for a while, so she comes first.” ” I’ll talk about the late fee.”
Don’t think about it like that. Use wisdom. Yesss lawd.
6.) Disrespect–
All of us are different. I tickle you, and you may fart.
I tickle someone else, and they may hiccup. (That would be hilarious.)
My point is that what may seem disrespectful to you may not be disrespectful to someone else.
However, that is a relativistic approach.
That is an approach that makes it seem that it is the context that determines right or wrong.
Christians approach truth objectively.
As Christians, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” Colossians 4:6
As Christians, that should always be our commitment.
And you take that principle into a Christian marriage.
The effects of disrespect are devastating.
Disrespect hurts a person’s reputation.
When you disrespect someone, you hurt their feelings, beliefs, ideas, and sense of self-worth.
Disrespect tells someone, “I don’t care about you as a person.”
How can you keep talking to someone who acts like that?
How do you hope to achieve mutual understanding with someone who doesn’t have mutual respect?
Impossible.
And if, by some chance, it is possible, it isn’t a union that is loving or fruitful.
The relationship will have no longevity.
7.) Ignorance–
Pride alone is huge. But pride + ignorance….whewww. Man—or woman, that’s tough, isn’t it?
Why is it tough?
Because the other person is hurting, and they don’t know how to tell the other person.
Because the spouse causing the suffering, cannot see how.
Because the spouse doesn’t know where, or how to seek help.
Then, what happens?
A cyclical routine of pain, problems, stress, anger, depression, and hopelessness.
How do you talk about something, without knowing how to talk about it?
8.) Lack of romance or sex–
Sex was intended to be fully enjoyed in marriage.
The desire for sex is compelling.
A very powerful desire that God sought to funnel into marriage.
What typically happens is that the husband expects sexual frequency and stops being romantic.
Women tend to crave emotional connection with the men they love.
What also usually happens, based on my observation, is that some women sometimes have selfish and unrealistic views of romance.
Then, using sex as a weapon to control the behavior of their husbands happens.
Both situations drastically cause deep problems in marriage.
How does communication then suffer?
Communication then becomes a manipulative tool to get what one selfishly wants in their marriage.
9.) Complacency–
It’s something that each of us has to go through.
We get comfortable.
In the beginning, boyfriends intending to become husbands fill the ears of their potential wives with sweet words, promises, expectations, and kindness.
The boyfriends become husbands, and automatically the gear switches from “trying to woo her” to “I got her and she isn’t going anywhere.” (women are guilty of this too)
In long-term relationships, neglect eventually happens for various reasons.
When this happens, talking to each other is more like a routine than a spiritual connection between husbands and wives.
Hopefully, a husband and wife become a husband and a wife because they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone.
In that case, why would you indirectly force your spouse to deal with your lack of desire to consistently improve yourself or your marriage for them?
10.) Lack of submission to God
I don’t want to make this point too theological.
I want this blog to be for the layman.
The casual reader of the Bible.
The person is interested in Jesus and is taking a casual look at who he is.
I want this blog to be read by someone who isn’t deeply theologically inclined.
But I also want it to have the depth that people like my mentor, Pastor, Theologian, Apologist, and Philosopher Thom Schultz, will respect.
It’s time to say hi to my favorite pastor, Pastor John Macarthur.
Hi!!!
Back to the point.
Let’s keep it simple.
The human condition stinks.
The human condition needs a heavy dose of heavenly help.
We often seek help from other imperfect humans or other imperfect sources.
It takes a perfect person to perfectly work on an imperfect person. Hence Jesus.
What do I mean by that?
What do I mean when I say that the imperfect needs the perfect to work on it?
If your hands were dirty, and you planned on eating a meal with your hands, would you then seek to clean your hands in dirty water?
Probably not.
You would seek clean water, to clean your dirty hands, right?
If you “cleaned” your hands in dirty water, then the cycle of dirty hands would be endless.
So you’re looking for a source that’s in a better “state” than you are, right?
That is how I view the human condition.
We are sinful, dishonest, selfish, evil humans.
It is easy to see when we do extremely bad things.
It is often not easy to see the bad in the “good” we attempt to do.
And that is one of the main reasons we need someone to show us the way.
Do you want to know how a lack of submission to Jesus leads to communication problems?
Here is the answer.
Everyone then makes themselves their own gods.
And these “gods” would decide what was right or wrong in their own eyes.
Those “rights” and “wrongs” are then consistently communicated in a marriage.
What is consistently communicated to their partner is a self-centered, unfair, and egocentric set of expectations for how they should feel or act.
Who then would be our moral ‘compass’?
Directing our lives?
If not a ‘being’, perfected, perfectly, beyond our imperfections?
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5-6
Conclusion: Summarization
Above you find a list.
A list of common causes for the lack of communication in marriage.
This isn’t a full list. This list isn’t necessarily in order.
It is, however, an important list to consider and build awareness of.
This list wasn’t meant to also provide a step-by-step solution, (future articles will cover that) this list was meant to open your ‘communication eyes’ to the many ways the lack of communication in our marriage is often caused by huge contributions from us.
Learn 10 devastating causes of Communication in marriage problems..
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